TOWN OF NEWBURGH >> Every December, Lindsay Wagner would feel the pain more acutely.
There was no baby to snuggle, no kisses to plant on a tender forehead and no child for whom to dream big dreams.
To make things worse, Wagner had to suffer through all those Hallmark commercials of happy children unwrapping gifts or mothers awaiting the arrival of their adult children for the holidays.
PHOTOS: The Wagner family
She’d see excited children at malls, lining up to visit Santa Claus and parents in toy stores, buying special presents to put under the tree.
Even the music of the season tormented her.
“As a teenager, I thought of that song, ‘All I Want for Christmas is You,’ as a love song, but once I got married, it became ‘All I Want for Christmas is a Baby,'” said Wagner, a resident of the town of Newburgh, just over the Ulster County line.
“It is hard all year, but especially at Christmas. It’s all about love and family and everybody being together, and being a mom was something I had always wanted, and it was the one thing I was struggling with. Seeing all that stuff was really kind of tough, and I wondered, ‘Will I ever get to experience that same joy?'”
No doubt, the Wagner’s journey was long, agonizing and, at times, unbearable, but their story is far from uncommon.
About 6 percent of women in the United States ages 15 to 44 are unable to get pregnant after one year of unprotected sex, and about 11 percent in that same age bracket have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term, regardless of marital status, according to the Centers for Disease Control.
Additionally, the agency analyzed data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth and found that 7.5 percent of all sexually experienced men younger than 45 reported seeing a fertility doctor during their lifetime.
Of those who sought help, 18 percent were diagnosed with a male-related infertility problem.
In the case of Wagner and her husband, Cary, they tried for years to have a child-both naturally and with the help of an infertility specialist.
The push to start a family began after the couple moved from a small apartment in Boston to a big townhouse in Fishkill.
“We were painting the house in neutral colors, and it was going from month to month. We kept hoping, ‘Maybe this will be the month,'” she said.
“I would continuously get my hopes up and then get let down. We were trying for about year on our own, and then I suggested it might be because I had a goofy internal makeup, so I said to my husband, ‘Maybe we should see someone. Maybe there’s something that can help us along.'”
The Wagners began seeing fertility specialist Dr. Daniel Levine in Fishkill and hoping for the “least invasive” procedure with the “highest chance” to conceive, according to Wagner.
After conferring with Levine, the couple opted for in vitro fertilization (IVF), a method in which an egg and sperm are joined in a laboratory for fertilization. The resulting embryo is then transferred to the womb.
All of it looked pretty promising for the Wagners.
“I would produce a bunch of eggs, and they were harvested in petri dishes and started growing embryos. It finally got to a point where they said, ‘We’re ready to do an implant,'” Wagner said.
“Two weeks after, I took a blood test, and it came back positive, but two days later, I found out I wasn’t pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I told people and I named it, and two days later, I had to go around and tell everyone again. I got everyone’s hopes up and my own.”
The couple tried twice after that but got no results.
Levine then discussed other options with Wagner, who had a condition known as “uterine didelphys,” or double uterus.
To correct it, Levine performed at least three laparoscopic surgeries, but the initial outcome wasn’t what the couple expected.
“My doctor said I was his case of the century. I was one in a million,” Wagner said.
“Instead of my uterus being shaped like pear, it was shaped liked rabbit ears. The doctor was able to access the left side but not the right side, so when I was pumping myself full of medications to help build linings and make it a hospitable environment, my right side was very hardy. When they were doing the transfer of the embryo, they were putting it in the left side, but it was never successful.”
Wagner praised Levine and his staff for doing what they could and making her feel “very special,” but she and her husband resolved to go the route of adoption.
They hooked up with Family Connections in Cortland, New York, in January of 2010 and found out in October that a 21-year-old pregnant woman had chosen them as adoptive parents.
While everything appeared to be coasting along, they found out in December that the birth father was going to fight for custody.
“We thought we’d have to bail out,” Wagner said.
By chance, he found the Wagners on Facebook and requested a meeting.
“I told him we had open minds and would send pictures and allow visits. He was shocked by that and that we weren’t just trying to steal the baby. We were willing to share him in a way.”
That was the turning point, and the Wagner’s were inching closer to their dream of having a baby.
On Dec. 12, 2010 at 7:30 a.m., 6-pound, 13-ounce Jacob was born. The final piece was up to the birth mother, who requested to hold her child before she said goodbye.
“That’s a terrifying thing. At any time, anyone can change their mind with adoption up until they sign the papers,” Wagner said.
The birth mother ultimately did and asked for occasional letters and pictures of the child but no visits.
Taking Jacob home was not only a dream-come-true for the couple but the beginning of a new life with big changes, including a move to their current home. It also was a time when they would get the surprise of their lives.
Wagner took a pregnancy test in August of 2011 and discovered she was pregnant.
“I ran to my husband’s office. I had the test under my sleeve,” she said.
“”We were both so shocked by the positive test. ‘Well, that’s cool,’ was all Cary could say. Given our history, we wanted to keep quiet until we knew we were good to go, but Cary would hold Jacob on one knee and extend his free arm around our soon-to-be second child. It was so cute, and so hard to keep it to ourselves.”
Five-pound Jackson was born by Caesarean section on March 9, 2012, six weeks early due to the didelphys.
To his parents, he was perfection and represented their victors’ crown after a hard-fought battle.
“I was on the table listening to everyone hustling. I heard them say his weight and I heard him cry. Here I was with everything I ever wanted. I almost had to tone myself down,” Wagner said.
Her doctor, meanwhile, was ecstatic when he heard the news and believes the corrective surgery played a part.
“I humbly think we helped her to achieve that goal, and any way it happens, that’s great,” Levine said. “Everyone’s journey is a little bit different, and for us to be able to help her, it was my pleasure.”
This Christmas, the Wagners are snuggling their boys and planting their kisses on their young faces. They’re doing all the stuff parents do to make Christmas magical for their two children.
Wagner, however, realizes she may have a role in bringing hope to other infertile couples and hopes to become an advocate for adoption and an encouraging voice to those who are suffering.
“I can understand the desperation. It’s just something you want. It’s so easy to give advice. It’s not easy to hear it because it’s something you want right now and can’t have,” she said.
“Mostly, I just want to put hope out there. Things happen for a reason, and we can’t understand why. The most important thing is to talk about it. Don’t keep it to yourself, and look for help. Don’t be afraid to admit you need it.”
