How I Do It is an occasional series dedicated to telling the stories of how parents get through the long days and the short years. This post came about in an unusual way; Ali Smith, photographer and author of Momma Love ; How the Mother Half Lives, offered to catch up with some of the mothers she photographed for her (wonderful) book and give us a glimpse into how their lives have evolved.
Patrina Felts is the single mother of four adopted children, each from deeply troubled biological families. She has fostered dozens of children over the years. A tax advisor and a franchisee-in-training for a tax service, she sports scars and tattoos from a life lived close to the bone. She has a head full of dreadlocks and is joining a motorcycle club in her hometown in Virginia. And Patrina is a “Pageant Mom.”
Over the last decade, the same case worker in the child welfare system has dropped off a number of children to Patrina’s door. Patrina has a reputation for being consistent, dedicated and loving, albeit firm, with children.
“I’d never wanted to adopt a girl before. I was a sports coach. I felt like I knew what to do with boys. But then the case worker came one day with a little baby girl. Literally dropped her off in a car seat and ran off to place all the other children from the same family. When I saw her, I fell in love. I still worked towards reuniting her with her father, but in March 2013, he signed over full custody to the Division, and in March 2014 it was official.”
When I first photographed Patrina’s family for my book about the face of modern motherhood, Patrina had two adopted children, Benjamin (6) and Nathaniel (4), and two foster children, 12-year-old twins who have since left the home.
When I met with them again in April, it was at the Heavenly Angels Beauty Pageant in Harrisburg, Pa. Jasmine, that little baby in the car seat who is now 3, was there to compete. Jasmine, or Jazzy, is a vibrant, finger-wagging, sass-strutting, incredibly sweet and open young girl who charms anyone she comes across. As we moved through the halls of the Holiday Inn led by this mini majorette, it was hard not to notice that our group, walking in her wake like avid supporters might follow a candidate to the podium,was unusual.
Patrina takes the entire family to most pageants, so Benjamin (now 10) and Nathaniel (now 8) followed, along with Evan, who at almost 6 feet, appears much older than his 14 years. Evan is the most recent addition to the Felts family. Brother to the the twins who left her care, he was officially adopted in March 2014, the same date as Jasmine. He is cautious and calculated in his movements, as are all the boys. Very polite and, like any kids, softer once you scratch the surface and gain some trust. But they are understandably guarded.
So we make quite a crew on our way to the grand ballroom where Jazzy will wow the judges in the swimsuit competition, holiday wear, outfit of choice and beauty.
Every person has been exposed to the world of child beauty pageants through shows like “Toddlers and Tiaras,” and I can’t say I didn’t walk in with some prejudices about what it means to have your child in a pageant. But I also went, as a journalist, with my eyes wide open, eager to see something I didn’t expect. If I’m honest, it will take me a while to process everything I saw as it’s quite an intense experience. But something I can say for certain that I saw was a lot of love and dedication in this family of five. Dedication to Jazzy. Dedication, on the part of the children, to their mother whom they clearly love. And dedication from Patrina to them.
During one meal, Patrina went around the table and asked each child the same questions; “What made you happy today? What made you sad? Did anything make you scared?” She didn’t rush their answers. The entire family listened in rapt attention even if the answer was only “Nope.” or “Nothing.” Each feeling was voiced and honored. And I thought, well that’s fantastic.
Of the pageants Patrina says, matter-of-factly,: “It’s just really fun! I don’t see anything negative about it.” She beams when she talks about Jazzy’s sass and confidence. She didn’t think she’d enjoy the pageants—she first took Jazzy when the girl was 8 months old, at the suggestion of a friend. Jazzy won. “We’ve been going ever since.”
She says it’s really important to teach children to be independent and strong. Her children have already been through so much. They still face challenges I can’t really understand.
How has her heart handled children coming and going over the years, I wonder? Patrina pauses and says: “The end goal is always reunification with the parents, but sometimes that’s impossible. It’s always hard when they leave, but I think the world would be a better place if we were all working toward the common good. All taking care of each other. What’s happened to these children isn’t their fault. I’m just trying to help take care of them.”
