For those who have found that perfect toy or technique, masturbation feels great. And for many of those same people, the thought of their partner masturbating is pretty hot, too. So, it shouldn't be a surprise that combining those two things and masturbating together can be next-level sizzling.
The words "mutual masturbation" might sound intimidating, but really, this sex act is just about inviting your partner to join in on your solo play—and there are tons of reasons it's worth a try. First off, masturbation is a great way to practice self-exploration and self-care, and letting your partner in on that can be an intimate experience, says Veronica N. Chin Hing-Michaluk, LMHC, a New York-based sex therapist and founder of VNC Therapy.
It’s also a sexy way to show your partner what you like while learning about what turns them on, too. "Being a good lover is being attentive to what your partner’s preferences are through communication and observation," says Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Colorado. "Mutual masturbation is a great way to jump start that process of learning your partner’s preferences."
Think of it as a crash course on how to make your S.O. come—and vice versa.
How To Try Mutual Masturbation
Convinced? Here's how to try mutual masturbation with a partner, according to sex therapists.
1. Chat about your reasons and interest beforehand.
There are plenty of benefits to mutual masturbation (including just good old-fashioned fun!), but before you embark on this steamy venture, chat with your partner about what you’re both looking to get out of the experience. Is the goal to learn more about how they’re aroused? Are you trying to keep the spark alive while you're long-distance? Is it a fantasy of yours?
The reason you're giving this sex act a try might change how you masturbate, explains Stray Conger. “If the experience is about showing your partner(s) what you like, it’s important to actually do what you typically would do during solo sex,” she says. “You might also want to be verbally descriptive about what you’re doing and allow for clear visuals.” If you're acting out a fantasy, though, you might want to switch up your routine, depending on what you and your partner think would be hot.
2. Communicate your boundaries.
No matter what type of sexual activity you're trying, it’s always important to communicate your boundaries and turn-offs. But this is especially true during mutual masturbation, since it's a sex act that can look very different for different couples. For instance, maybe you want your partner to touch you while you touch yourself; maybe you don't.
“Talk to your partner about doing mutual masturbation before trying it. Make boundaries clear, and respect theirs,” says Caitlin Cantor, LCSW, an AASECT-certified sex therapist who practices in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. “This is an opportunity to create a safe and trusting space, so it's important to honor agreements made around mutual masturbation. If you agree not to mix in touching, for example, don't push that boundary.”
Talk about what you’re comfortable with ahead of time and every time, as those boundaries might change, too, she adds.
3. Start with a game.
If you’re feeling a little shy at the beginning, don’t be afraid to break the ice with a sexy game or an erotic deck of cards, suggests Hing-Michaluk. After all, the whole point is to have fun!
4. Gaze into each other's eyes.
Whether you’re engaging in mutual masturbation IRL or simply turning up the heat on your long-distance FaceTime calls, consider incorporating more eye contact into your sex sesh. It can be a “powerful aphrodisiac” and "an easy way to build [your] emotional connection,” explains Stray Conger. And there’s actual science behind this, too.
“The complex limbic system in our brain connects with our partner(s)’ limbic systems through eye contact, physical touch, and deep belly laughter, among other things,” she says. “Eye contact and other forms of limbic resonance decrease stress hormones and can enhance sexual arousal.”
5. Incorporate a little dirty talk.
All five senses play a role in arousal, notes Stray Conger. This means that auditory cues (like dirty talk) can seriously elevate a sexperience.
“A few choice words during sexual play can really rev up desire, and mutual masturbation can be a great time to experiment with dirty talk,” Stray Conger says. “Whether it's a whispered encouragement or a description of a fantasy, a little bit of vocalizing can go a long way towards turning up the heat.”
6. Use toys.
Sex toys can be a fun and explorative way to enhance the mutual masturbation experience. When in doubt, you should choose something you already own, love, and use, so as to not derail the mood as you attempt to find the right controls, notes Stray Conger.
7. Remember that you and your partner might have different fantasies—and that’s okay.
Here's a tip that applies to any kind of sex act: You and your partner might not necessarily find the same things hot. Remember that and watch their “reaction and subtle body cues” during mutual masturbation, says Cantor.
“What seems super hot to you may be off-putting to your partner(s),” she says, suggesting you start slow instead of jumping headfirst into a new kink or fantasy. “If they seem to be wanting more, build on what you’ve already said [or done] instead of throwing something entirely new into the mix.”
8. Don’t be afraid to get creative with positions.
Seated? Face-down? Laying side-by-side? When it comes to mutual masturbation positions, anything goes. "If you enjoy watching or being watched, get into positions where you're angled such that you have the views you want," suggests Cantor. "You can position yourself such that you are making eye contact, or such that you can see each other’s genitals, or even your entire bodies.”
9. But remember to prioritize comfort, too.
While it can be fun and beneficial to try new things in the bedroom, remember that your feelings and comfort levels are most important. If your partner wants you to try something that you just aren’t ready for, that’s okay! In fact, it’s more than okay.
For example, if you’re not comfortable being watched during mutual masturbation, Cantor suggests trying “positions where you’re not in each other’s view,” like “laying side by side.”
10. Talk about it afterwards.
Ideally, you should be communicating before and after mutual masturbation, suggests Stray Conger. This doesn’t necessarily mean a long, in-depth conversation—unless that feels right, of course—but a “little feedback goes a long way,” she notes.
“Both verbally and non-verbally, let your partner know what you find hot. After, but not immediately after, circle back to check in about the experience,” she says. “If there was something you had questions about or that you didn't find so sexy, make sure you nestle the candid talk into praise and positive feedback, so that your partner doesn't feel shamed and will want to be adventurous again.” An example: I loved the way you touched me the other night, but I'm not sure the dirty talk we tried really worked. Maybe we could try something new next time?
11. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
Sex is fun, and messy, and yes, sometimes a little cringey. That’s just all a part of the experience. Don’t let any awkward moments ruin the mood, but rather, lean into them.
“Laughter and breathing can be your friend as you learn each other’s and your own bodies,” says Hing-Michaluk.
12. Remember that an orgasm isn't always the point.
Sure, orgasms are often a byproduct of great sex, but don’t get frustrated with yourself if it doesn’t go that way—especially if you’re a rookie in this department. “I warmly encourage folks to hold compassion for themselves and the partners in their lives,” Hing-Michaluk says. “Be gentle and patient with yourself, find what feels pleasurable to you, and enjoy exploration with partners.”
Tips For Mutual Masturbation IRL
If you're ready to elevate your mutual masturbation experience, here's how to enjoy it IRL with a partner, per therapists.
1. Remember to still prioritize your own pleasure.
Mutual masturbation should be fun for all parties, and that includes you. Even if the goal is to engage in a fantasy or put on a show, don’t forget about yourself in the process.
“Mutual masturbation can be an opportunity to show your partner what you like while turning them on,” Cantor says. “Make sure you pleasure yourself in an authentic way, not a performative way, so that your partner can see how you enjoy being touched.”
2. Set the scene.
Mutual masturbation is not only super-hot, but it can be an extremely intimate experience, too. So, embrace the romance! You might want to try setting the scene with soft mood lighting, vanilla and sandalwood scented candles, or even a sexy playlist, suggests Ava Cadell, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in California.
“Make sure you are in a comfortable and safe place where you can both relax, whether it’s a bed, sofa, bathtub, or on the floor in front of a fireplace,” Cadell says.
3. Use pillows to prop yourself up.
If you're looking for a mutual masturbation position that’s equal parts comfortable and sexy, try placing pillows under your butt. This way, you can lay back and spread your legs to touch yourself, suggests Cantor.
“This position gives you views of the other person’s genitals and also allows you to make eye contact,” says Cantor. Win-win!
4. Sit cross-legged, facing each other, for a full view.
Eye contact plus a full-on visual of your partner? Yes, please. For another red-hot position, Cantor suggests sitting cross-legged, facing each other, while touching your genitals.
5. Try locking legs or holding hands.
While mutual masturbation can be totally hot all on its own, added physical touch (if you’re comfortable with that) can crank the heat up higher.
“If you want to masturbate together and have some physical contact, try locking legs or holding hands while masturbating with your free hand,” Cantor says.
6. Incorporate other forms of sex, too.
Even if things start or end with mutual masturbation, that doesn’t mean you should limit your experience altogether. Try adding oral or butt play in the mix, suggests Cantor. “You may enjoy masturbating [while going down on your partner], or while playing with [their] anus,” she says. “The possibilities are endless but make sure you discuss things ahead of time and everyone is 100 percent on board.”
Tips For Virtual Mutual Masturbation
Whether you're long-distance or just spicing things up, you can try mutually masturbating with your partner via the phone or FaceTime. Ahead, experts share their top tips.
1. Get creative with some dream scenarios.
Mental stimulation can be sexy. So, instead of your usual phone sex routine, switch it up and take turns describing what you would do to your partner if you were together in that moment. Tell them what you would want them to do to you.
“If you enjoy mental stimulation, you can take turns describing what you'd do if you went over to their house right now. Start your story from the point you arrive at their door and walk through the sex you imagine having,” suggests Cantor.
2. Consider bluetooth headphones for hands-free phone sex.
If you’re jumping on a dirty phone call with your significant other, think about using bluetooth headphones or earbuds for better sound and hands-free approach, Stray Conger says. You’ll obviously need your hands for, um, other reasons.
3. Listen to porn together while masturbating.
If you’re interested in a visual aid, choose something hot to watch with your partner from your perspective locations, Cantor suggests. Hit play at the same time and enjoy the (same) show while getting off. It’s a sexy way to stay connected even when you can’t be together—and it can also be a great way to learn more about each other's fantasies, she adds.
4. Try erotica, too.
“You can read a piece of erotica to your partner to get you both hot,” Cantor adds. For bonus points, you can get really creative by writing and sharing your own erotic story and making up a steamy ending.
5. Play around with different camera angles.
Don’t limit yourself to one angle or perspective. Feel free to adjust your camera to try different viewpoints. “You can start with one view and later adjust the camera for a new view. Just make sure you’re in communication and respecting anyone’s ‘no,’” says Cantor.
6. Moan with each other.
Dirty talk can be super sexy, but so can noises like moans. After all, hearing your partner moan is basically a signal that they're enjoying what you’re doing. Revel in that, and let it fuel your own arousal! “You don’t have to do anything extra,” Cantor says. “Listening to each other’s pleasure can just be a huge turn-on, even without seeing each other.”
7. Don’t forget to charge your phone. (Seriously.)
Imagine climbing the hill towards a climax… just for your phone to die. Nobody wants that. So, whether you’re hopping on FaceTime or gearing up for a steamy phone sex sesh, it’s important to make sure your device is, well, actually charged. You'll thank me later.
Meet the experts: Veronica N. Chin Hing-Michaluk, LMHC, is a New York-based sex therapist and founder of VNC Therapy. Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Colorado. Caitlin Cantor, LCSW, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist who practices in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Ava Cadell, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in California.
Megan Schaltegger is an NYC-based writer. She loves strong coffee, eating her way through the Manhattan food scene, and her dog, Murray. She promises not to talk about herself in third person IRL.
