These days, it's hard not to look around and wonder: How did we get here? 

How is it that Donald Trump is a leading candidate for president, but pigs are still earthbound? 

How is it that Melania Trump, our maybe future first lady, fell for the most unpopular majority party nominee since the former head of the Ku Klux Klan? 

And why is Melania using a fork and spoon to eat jewelry in this juicy GQ profile?  

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So many questions. Luckily, writer Julia Ioffee wanted answers, too, so she traveled all the way to Slovenia to find out more about Melania's childhood, her early modeling days, and whatever happened to her father's secret son. (!!) 

The entire story is a delectable read, but, here, we've hand-picked the best bits from the opus that Melania has since disavowed as "yet another example of the dishonest media and their disingenuous reporting." 

Which is, of course, how you know it's going to be so damn good. 

On how she is raising Barron, her son, who is not a "sweatpants child"

While Melania enjoys the services of a chef and an assistant, there's no nanny raising their son, Barron. That's the mother's duty. "We know our roles," Melania once told Parenting.com, referring to the division of labor with her husband. "I didn't want him to change the diapers or put Barron to bed." The boy she calls "little Donald" wants one day to be a "businessman and golfer" and, as she told the publication, almost always dresses in suits. "He's not a sweatpants child," she's said.

On trust, which is so important to all successful relationships 

[Donald] can trust her to take her birth control every day, he boasted to [Howard] Stern; she's just amazing that way.

On what Donald would do if she were in a terrible car accident

She has the perfect proportions—five feet eleven, 125 pounds—and great boobs, which is no trivial matter. Stern once asked Trump what he would do if Melania were in a terrible car accident, God forbid, and lost the use of her left arm, developed an oozing red splotch near her eye, and mangled her left foot. Would Donald stay with her? "How do the breasts look?" Trump asked."The breasts are okay," Stern replied. Then, yeah, of course Trump stays. "Because that's important." 

On the role she plays in the presidential race

"She stays in her lane," [stylist Phillip] Bloch says. "When asked, she gives her opinion, but otherwise she stays out of it."

On her secret half brother

Viktor [Melania's father] has never acknowledged his son, Denis Cigelnjak, who is now 50. The existence of Melania's half brother has never been reported, and although he had never spoken to the media, he told me his story and then gave me permission to retrieve the relevant court documents from the Slovenian archives.

He lives in a tiny apartment in Hrastnik, the town where his mother, who passed away several years ago, once worked at the glass factory. She never married or had more children, and Denis says he has no memory of ever meeting his father. Viktor paid child support until the boy was 18 but never reached out. ... He wouldn't mind meeting his half sisters, Ines and Melania, who, he's fairly certain, don't even know he exists. (When I asked Melania about this over the phone, she denied that it was true. Later, after I'd sent her documents from the Slovenian court, she wrote to me claiming she hadn't understood what I'd asked, explaining, "I've known about this for years."

On her swingin' single life in New York

In New York, Melania lived a quiet, homebound life, taking assiduous care of her body: walks with ankle weights, seven pieces of fruit every day, diligently moisturizing her skin. She rarely partied, never brought anyone back to the apartment, and was always home early.

And, finally, on why she loves her husband so much

"No matter who you are, a man or a woman. He treats everyone equal."

Oh. Okay.