With the right mix of education and expectations, schools can help involved parents take a more supportive role in their children's learning.
When her phone rang, the first-year assistant principal in an affluent Washington middle school was expecting a routine conversation. A student's father was returning the administrator's phone call about a discipline decision regarding his child. During the conversation, the father remarked, "You better give me a straight answer because I'm recording you." The administrator stopped the call in its tracks (it's illegal in Washington state to record a phone call without the consent of both parties).
Although the situation was eventually smoothed over, it's not the first time a parent has gone too far, she notes. Some parents who have disagreed with an administrative decision have threatened to go to the media. These extreme examples of helicoptering—when parents hover closely, and sometimes inappropriately, over their children and intervene on their behalf—were new territory for the administrator.
Yet, like many other educators, she turned these interactions into teachable moments, drawing from her experiences to proactively involve families before they resort to reactive measures.
Label Less
Theories abound in regard to what constitutes the right balance of parental involvement. On one side, there's the no-rescue camp where parents let kids struggle freely. On the other side are the parents who do everything within their power to steer their kids in certain directions—or soften their landings.
It can be easy to fall into the trap of stigmatizing or labeling overinvolved parents, experts say. At the same time, teachers rely on family partnerships to support student growth. In a 2013 Scholastic survey of 20,000 teachers, 95 percent said they encourage parents to reach out to them. Most teachers share their e-mail addresses, and about one in five dole out personal phone numbers. Respondents agreed that parents can best support their children by 1) making sure they attend school, 2) working collaboratively with the teacher when academic or behavior issues arise, and 3) setting high expectations.
House on Fire
Andrew Winter, principal of Lucy V. Barnsley Elementary School in Rockville, Md., works with a diverse population of parents. With 700 students and three special programs, including a highly gifted center, Barnsley is a melting pot of parental expectations.
Some parents are "overanxious" to volunteer every day in their child's classroom, which can be a challenge "when you have 25 kids in the class and you're trying to balance the competing priorities of other parents," says Winter.
Getting to the root of overparenting requires a closer look at school policies and approaches. Winter recommends asking "Are we doing what we're supposed to be doing with interventions and supports? What are we not providing that they're looking for? What can we do that's reasonable so parents feel like they're being heard?"
Clear communication—on both ends—can be the equalizer, Winter believes. A schoolwide policy on volunteering sets boundaries for interactions. In newsletters, phone calls to parents, and at PTA meetings and other events, Winter reinforces to parents the importance of communicating through the right channel. For instance, if there's an issue at the classroom level, he advises parents to talk with the teacher first.
Barnsley's staff also adheres to a countywide expectation of responding to parent e-mails within 24 hours. However, the instantaneous nature of technology can create unrealistic expectations. Last year, a parent sent Winter an e-mail about a logistical concern at 3:00 p.m. while he was attending an IEP meeting. By 3:25 p.m., the parent was in the front office trying to get answers from the secretary because she hadn't heard back from the principal.
In situations like this, Winter says that gently reminding parents of the "24-hour rule" can be helpful. Sometimes parents think "their house is on fire," Winter admits, which is often the result of hearing one side of a story from their child. Open dialogue can put out small fires before they become infernos.
"You have to put it in the perspective of the parent," Winter adds. "If it were your child, would you be OK with how the concern is being addressed?"
Audit Organizational Principles
Heather Weiss, director of the Harvard Family Research Project (HFRP), frequently hears from educators who express concern that overinvolved parents "suck up the air time" in a school. It warrants a closer look at how the school and its leadership are meeting the needs of all parents on the continuum—from the hyperinvolved to the underinvolved, says Weiss.
"Is there an issue with curriculum or teacher professional development that contributes to having a certain group of parents become helicopter parents?" asks M. Elena Lopez, associate director of HFRP. Ask these questions internally and then start conversations with families addressing how "kids have to develop a sense of autonomy and take responsibility for their own learning," says Lopez. Also, share specific strategies that parents can use to support that kind of learning, giving them a much-needed road map to follow.
Student-led conferences can be a "game changer" in creating a healthy dialogue among teachers, parents, and students, notes Weiss. Having the student's voice at the table often clarifies expectations for parents.
Talk about Grit
Conversations with parents should focus on making the goal of student autonomy clear. Use key research, such as Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck's research on resiliency and University of Pennsylvania psychologist Angela Lee Duckworth's research on grit, to make your point. Discuss parents' roles in promoting independence and explain that "it's OK to have failures and rise up [from them]," says Lopez.
Building students' confidence so that they can persist through challenges is a focus in Winter's district. In community book discussions, Montgomery County Public Schools Superintendent Joshua Starr has chosen titles such as Dweck's Mindset and Paul Tough's How Children Succeed to reinforce ways to foster these skills in school and at home.
In a discussion about growth mind-sets, Starr and Dweck (who called in on Skype) illustrated how praising intelligence instead of effort could have negative outcomes. Starr relayed how his wife had recently told their 3-year-old son that he was "so smart" when he connected the letter B to the color brown. It's a mistake that almost all well-intentioned parents make, yet Dweck's research suggests that children who are praised for success may eventually see struggle as a weakness.
"Much more parent education is needed on the concept of struggle," explains Cathy Vatterott, professor of education at the University of Missouri–"St. Louis. As a former middle school principal, Vatterott implored parents not to drop everything for their kids. "We told parents that if you want your child to be responsible, you have to let him see the consequences of forgetting his gym clothes or lunch."
Rethink Homework
Communicate parents' roles in homework, too, Vatterott advises. Most teachers prefer that parents scale back their involvement; the Scholastic survey reports a majority of teachers want parents to simply check that homework is completed instead of helping their children do it.
However, that's not a message that is getting through to parents, says Vatterott, who is a nationally renowned homework expert. "I don't think we've ever given parents permission not to be involved with homework." As a result, parents can see homework as a reflection of themselves; if it's not completed or done correctly, they fear that their child's teachers will judge them, she contends.
Vatterott advises teachers against grading homework and encourages them to assign work that students can do. Homework should be an opportunity to practice, but it will backfire if a teacher hasn't adequately checked for understanding. Vatterott, whose own son faced learning disabilities throughout school, admits that the "helicopter mom" came out in full force when she saw her son struggling with homework. "School was already hard for him. Then he comes home and he's frustrated with another task, and it's hard to see him struggle."
"We have to communicate to parents that it's OK to let their child struggle, but you can't ask them to let their child struggle at homework," continues Vatterott. "If they struggle at school and the teacher is there to help them, that's different. When I was helping my son with homework, it was 8:00 at night and one of us was crying, and I won't say which one."
Vatterott recommends working with the PTA to develop a schoolwide policy that includes specific language stating "parents are encouraged to provide an appropriate environment for homework, but are not expected to assist their children with homework."
Also, parents tend to get overinvolved if "there's too much homework or if it's too tedious," explains Vatterott, so "kill the rote work." Instead, assign more personalized homework where students write a reflection or create problems to solve to make it harder for parents to intervene.
Parents' roles should eventually shift from helping with homework to communicating with teachers if their child is struggling, Vatterott believes, so that teachers can make accommodations.
Give the Benefit of the Doubt
Nearly every teacher can relate a story about a parent taking it too far, but viewing this overzealousness from a strengths-based perspective puts teachers and parents on common ground. "If you start the conversation with, 'you're doing x/y … you must really want to help your child,'" then you're conveying the message that their involvement is a strength, says Weiss.
Acknowledge, too, that it's often difficult to give up the reins. "It's a fundamental challenge [of parenting] to gradually release responsibility to your kids and let go of your own control," Weiss continues.
Vatterott wishes her son's teachers had shared that message with her sooner. "I wish they told me that by overhelping my child, I was making him feel like he couldn't do it by himself. I was contributing to his feelings of incompetence … of him not feeling like he could trust himself."
As parents, "we feel like it is our job to help our kids, but we get a little confused about what help is," admits Vatterott.
The assistant principal in Washington hopes that a supportive and ongoing dialogue with parents will reinforce positive interactions. In the meantime, she won't take it personally when heated situations arise. "The reaction or the threats are usually not about me," she says. "It's about the parent not understanding and wanting to protect their child. That's at the heart of everything."
"They're just advocating for their kid," she concludes. "I can't be upset at the end of the day."