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A turkey
'The farmer must have a friendly face, and the turkey be called something cute like Archibald Giblets.' Photograph: Owen Humphreys/PA
'The farmer must have a friendly face, and the turkey be called something cute like Archibald Giblets.' Photograph: Owen Humphreys/PA

Don’t listen to Mary Berry, here’s how to plan for Christmas

This article is more than 9 years old
Rhik Samadder
The Bake-Off queen is right to advise early preparations, but her 1 December start date reveals her rank amateurism

“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, an organisational spreadsheet concerning the upcoming holiday,” sang Mary Berry, probably. The Great British Bake Off judge has revealed that her Christmas preparations begin on 1 Dec. “The more you can do ahead the better, is the first rule,” she advises, outing herself as a rank amateur. Are you a Christmas virgin, Mary? Everyone knows preparing for the big day is a year-long occupation. Here’s the schedule you should be keeping to:

26 December Buy gifts. Black Friday? Slack Friday. The time to grab a bargain is the Boxing Day sales. Electronics are like wine – the older the better, so buy now to see tears of happiness on your grateful children’s faces in 12months.

1 January Grow your own tree. To be honest, a one-year old spruce tree looks very much like a weedy shrub sticking its middle finger up at you, unable to bear any decorative weight whatsoever. But there is no finer tinsel than sustainability.

20 January Make sloe gin. Infused with berries picked last Autumn, natch. A year is adequate, though the longer you infuse the longer you can keep using the word “infuse” until people want to ram the jam jars up your arse.

2 February Gather cinnamon for your mulled wine. Cinnamon is harvested in Sri Lanka after the rainy season, so the island will be crawling with TV chefs in October. Luckily there are two rainy seasons – the north-eastern coastal region has a crop early February, so get there. Eat that, Heston.

13 February Write cards. Avoid shop-stamped platitudes – fill your epistles with poems and reflections on the year. Unless you’re JK Rowling this will take some time, so start mid-February.

19 March Weave your own stocking. Springtime means haircuts for sheep, so find a flock and give them the buzzcut. For the weaving you’ll need an 18th-century spinning jenny, which you can buy in Shoreditch.

15 March Choose who will play Santa Claus on the big day. They’ll be required to grow a mighty face thatch; a piddling Movember hangover won’t cut it, so early-bird casting is crucial. Saint Nick’s birthday is an appropriate date.

1 April Start untangling the tree light wires. April Fools! You should have started this in January. You are so screwed.

4 May Handmade bunting! This always lends a folksy glow, and eight months of painfully precise hand-stitching is also useful for simulating stigmata. You will spend most of the year feeling crotchety. Or should we say crochet-y. Ha! Sewing joke. Now get back to work.

6 June Identify your turkey. Draw up a list of organic farms in your catchment area and spend a day visiting them. The farmer must have a friendly face, and the turkey be called something cute like Archibald Giblets. Pay his rearing costs upfront, ensuring he has underbarn heating, access to Netflix and spa breaks.

29 July Send emails investigating the special dietary requirements of your extended family, from infants to ancients. Collate into a sub-spreadsheet and begin planning a meal that will delight and not poison them.

10 August For the uncivilised, August is a time for lazing on a hot beach. But the discerning know that early August is almond harvest season. Making your own marzipan is a time consuming business, so make use of the kids while they’re not in school.

20 September Make and fill your own crackers! Handling home explosives is likely to earn you some attention from the government, so leave plenty of calendar space for legal appeals.

2 October Make your own mincemeat. The currant concoction should be made well ahead of time. It’ll be pickled in brandy for months, much like people who make their own mincemeat.

17 November Decoration investigation. Attempt to get into the attic to find and open the unlovely box of family heirloom decorations – one-armed angels and glass-splinter baubles – calling out to you like the Ghost of Christmas Worst.

1 December IT’S TOO LATE, MARY BERRY. Nice of you to join us, though.

5 December Stick some cloves in some oranges for no reason. People like it.

18 December Draw up a table plan. The ideal alternation is grumpy dad, elderly racist, drunken uncle, monosyllabic teen, fraught mum, dog who’s eaten an entire chocolate wreath and somehow not died. Only kidding! Mum won’t need a seat as she will not be sitting down at any point.

21 December Turkey time. Take Archibald Giblets and ram him into an oven headfirst. This year’s trend roast is “pulled turkey”, cooked slowly over a low heat. Preheat the oven to 1C and stew for five days.

25 December The big day – you’ve earned a rest! For 45 minutes – after all, there’s next year to plan. Get the spreadsheet out.

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