Hello? Terry? It's Small Talk...
Ah, hello there Small Talk!
How are you today?
I'm carrying on.
Lovely. How's the golf?
Ah, I don't play very much. There's a common illusion that I'm out on the golf course all the bloody time. Well I'm not.
Ah, that's blown the tenuous sporting link we were hoping to fall back on...
Ah well. No, the myth grew up because I used to play on the television for years on things like Pro-Celebrity golf. I sunk the longest putt ever recorded on television, you know.
Really? How long was that?
33 yards.
So you must be pretty good?
No, I'm not. I'm just lucky. Anyway, that was at Gleneagles in about 1833 [laughs].
Who was the toughest celebrity opponent?
Well, on that particular occasion I was up against Trevor Brooking, but then I had on my side a former Masters winner called Fuzzy Zoeller. He had Lee Trevino, but we beat them anyway.
Barry Davies told Small Talk that Trevor Brooking's addicted to diet coke. Is that right?
Ah, you can't believe a word that Barry Davies says. I know Trevor Brooking, he's a decent fellow.
Have you ever played a hole with your trousers around your ankles as the result of a zany golfing bet?
I haven't and I will not do anything like that, ever. It's a cheap laugh, for those who want to have it, but I don't want to frighten the horses.
Who was your worst guest on Wogan?
Phew, Small Talk, how long have you got?
Erm, nine minutes and 12 seconds.
Well, I can certainly take up most of that time and the next four hours. The worst are people who are naturally not good guests. You'll get people who are the worse for drink, and people who are the worse for drugs...
George Best. He was fun, wasn't he?
I love George Best, and I never thought that he was a bad guest. When I left him he was perfectly sober. He must have drunk very quickly between the time I left the hospitality box and he came on the set, because he was out of his mind.
So who was the worst?
I don't know. Ann Bancroft was no picnic. She wouldn't speak. But there were a lot of what I would call eejits. American actors who thought you should be plugging their film or book as soon as they came out. Bette Davis was difficult. John Malkovich was no picnic.
He's got all those people inside his head though, hasn't he?
Ah, you've only got to look at him to know he's not going to be a picnic, haven't you?
What's been your worst faux pas on the air?
Well, I make it up as I go along, so we'll have a faux pas a day. The most recent one wasn't particularly my faux pas. It was just that my producer broke wind while the microphone was open. Nobody could speak for about five minutes. Nobody could breathe. There was a lot of what can only be described as hysterical laughter.
Will there ever be a better Eurovision entry than My Lovely Horse?
No. My Lovely Horse should be an entry every year. And if we could possibly have some striptease going on, and some people playing Xena the Warrior Princess, that would probably be a winner. And if it came to the Balkans...
You're scaring us now, Terry. What's your favourite biscuit?
[Ponders] I think... a custard cream. I don't eat them as much as I used to, though. One that you are probably too young to remember is a little ginger number with a sort of foamy top with coconut on it. Mercado biscuits, made by Jacobs in Dublin, you see, so you wouldn't have had access to them. That would be my all-time favourite.
Sounds like they're in the same league as the mythical Spangle, so beloved of Small Talk's pater.
Your father liked a Spangle did he? He sounds like a decent man.
Depends who you ask. Now, who or what do you want to put in Room 101?
I've done Room 101! I wanted to put in the entire cast of Have I Got News For You. It's a bit of a smart-arse programme.
How did Paul Merton feel about that?
Ah, he wasn't doing it at that time, but I think it was made by the same company, because Nick Hancock said 'I can't put that in, they're friends of mine'. They're all friends of mine, as well, Small Talk!
Do you wear slippers?
I don't. And I don't wear a thong.
Eh?
[Blusters on] My wife did buy me some, so I do have slippers. I have slippers with a crest on them.
[Small Talk struggles with the mental image] Er, er, what kind of crest...?
Well, I don't know. It's just a crest. It isn't a Wogan crest. So you know, I don't wear them very often. And also, ever since I got the bunion and the hammer toe, the slippers are a thing of the past.
What was the last CD you bought? Does Terry Wogan have to buy them?
No, no payola. Bribery and corruption.
[Small Talk mistakes this for an obscure easy listening album and starts muttering] Er, er, I'm not sure I've heard...
[Continues to chunter on] I don't get any at all. The producer gets them. Occasionally he brings down an aged copy of something by Cliff Richard, and says I can have it.
Very kind. Now, Kylie or Britney?
[Sounds weary] Neither. They're too small for me. I really have little patience for midgets.
[Small Talk guffaws noisily]
Sorry, I should say persons of restricted growth.
So what's your favourite TV show?
The Eurovision Song Contest, followed by Children in Need and anything else in which I'm involved [laughs]. No, my favourite show is the Terry and Gaby show.
You were in that as well...
Oh sorry, OK. The television show that I wasn't in that I liked the best... hmm... crikey... [exhales loudly]... hmm, it's a really tough one. Ah - I still watch Poirot. I love old Poirot. It's beautifully made.
What about Big Brother 5, though, eh?
You know, I have to say, without getting up on a soapbox, I find these reality shows absolutely disgusting. I think the way it's going we're going to end up with hard porn reality eventually. We're going to all end up in the gutter.
Small Talk's already there, Terry. Now, how much is a pint of milk?
I haven't the smallest idea. I have a man who buys that for me.
How much do you give him, though?
Oh, no, he's very glad to work for me for nothing.
He's not around to ask at the moment, is he?
Er, no, he's out.
Steve Davis says milk is poisonous. That can't be true, can it?
I don't know... Paul McCartney's inclined to say things like that, though. I think he thinks it's cruel to milk a cow.
Steve Davis thinks it's the skimming process...
I don't think you can trust anybody. I was brought up to believe milk built up healthy teeth and strong bones, and now it turns out it'll kill you.
Cheese or chocolate?
I'm not a big fan of either. If pushed I'll take the chocolate. The Belgian stuff, if you don't mind. Or an Irish chocolate.
What colour underpants are you wearing today?
Today I'm wearing grey, which are ill suited to the khaki colour of my trousers.
What's your poison?
Ooh, vodka.
The expensive stuff, or an £8.49 bottle of Kremlinovski?
No, no, no, as strong as you can get it. I used to drink Guinness, but as soon as I could afford vodka, I drank that.
Have you ever drunk so much that you've forgotten your name?
No, I'm a very good drinker, as indeed the present Mrs Wogan is. We're very hardened drinkers and we can drink virtually anybody in the world under the table.
Have you ever knocked another man out, possibly after a couple too many vodkas?
No, I haven't. I used to be a bit of a puncher when I was a young lad, but I haven't had a fight since I was about seven.
Did you win that one?
I think it was a draw. I burst into tears and he was bleeding profusely from his nose.
What kind of car do you drive?
I drive - when I'm not being driven, Small Talk - a Bentley.
A touch of class, and no mistake. But what's your favourite pie filling?
I hate pies. They give me indigestion. Although we had a burst of pasties on the radio show recently, which were delicious.
Ginsters, surely...
No, no, no. These were artisan pasties and they were lovely. I'm not big on the pasty because they say the pastry in the pasty can bring on indigestion. But these were tremendous pasties.
Where are you off to now?
I'm off home now. I only work two hours a day, and you can't really call that work anyway. And I'm off to Italy on the weekend for my brother-in-law's wedding.
Well, have a lovely time.
That's very kind of you. Bye now!
Terry Wogan - and the sound of breaking wind - can be heard on Radio 2's Wake Up To Wogan, each weekday morning between 7.30am and 9.30am.